Ramblings of a Long Island Girl.

Satirical. Inappropriate. Sometimes crude. Bitchy. Rambling. You know how I do.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Home Alone with Colleen McAllister

There's no way that it can't get better than this. Because otherwise, no one would get past 25! We cannot be the only people who feel this way. Otherwise, we've got some other serious problem." -Randy.
That made ME feel a little bit better the other night so I wrote it down as he said it hahahaha. He was trying to talk sense into me as I bitched & moaned & cried over how much I wish I was back at Marist & how I'm sorry that I was an asshole in general this summer. MOVING ON.

Ok bitches, here's the deal: I'm house/dog sitting for my aunt in Mt. Sinai (8 miles from my house in Ridge) for the next 2 weeks - til Sept 14. I know Eddie's coming out this Saturday to keep me company (9/2) & Princess Cupcake Assface Randy's coming to par-tay it up LI-style next Saturday (9/9). If anyone wants to come and hang out with me at all for the next 2 weeks, definitely, definitely call me. It's sort of lonely here with just the two dogs, not gonna lie, so if you wanna chill, this is my invitation. I'm working alot the next 2 weeks but whatev, it'll be an improvement over the nothing that I basically did all summer (except get drunk like 4 nights a week & go to the beach like every other day).

P.S. I watched the first like 10 minutes of the V.M.A.'s and I have 3 comments - 1) Justin Timberlake is still fucking gorgeous & 2) WTF was J.Lo wearing? 3) Lil Kim is not intelligent. Then I turned them off after Lil Kim because they were already boring me. That's all.

P.P.S. Yesterday was the first Wed between Sept-May that I was not at a board meeting at 11am in 2-and-a-half-years and it was really fucking weird. I don't know if I like having my soul back anymore...<3

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

If you didn't have adult onset diabetes, I wouldn't mind giving YOU a little sugar.


Woot woot. Watch this video. If you've never seen the show, then you're probably not going to get it. However, it should entice you to watch it because it is the greatest comedy ever. That's all. Peace homeys.

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Monday, August 28, 2006

Take Me Back...

Dear Friends at Marist,

I'm so incredibly jealous of you all right now. In fact, I think that if I had to take 8am classes, 5 days a week just so I could go back and not have to be in the real world, I would be ok with that. So, kids, here's my advice:

1. Go out and have fun. After freshman year, I didn't do nearly enough partying (no matter how much Randy tried to tell me that i should go out & be fun) until tech week of Festival. Unfortunately, I decided I liked it so much that I've spent much of the past 3 months livin' like it's 1999. But that's not the point. My last month at Marist may have very well been the best time I had at school & it's what's making me want to go back so much more, haha.

2. Listen up, MCCTA: It's JUST fucking MCCTA. I know that statement makes me THE MOST hypocritical person on the planet right now but the show will go on. But please, don't let Crissy have a heart attack. Someone drag her away from the theatre once it hits 11pm. 1am is acceptable for tech weeks. Dunkin Donuts runs are your lifesavers. Yuhas will always be up for one. Oh, & make the new beer fairy do something totally unfair at least once. And fuck you for getting to do "Crazy for You," which is still my favorite show that I've ever done.

3. Irish nachos at Darbys. They're your best friend.

4. Riverfest is the greatest night ever.

5. The wall in Gartland is the best spot on campus.

6. Enjoy it. It's going to be gone soon. And before you know it, it'll be the end of Aug, 3 months after you've graduated & you'll wish that you weren't in the real world, but rather in your common room with your fantastic roommates (xoxo), laughing about hand drawn penis pictures, watching tv on dvd & having everything's silly time. And you'll be really missing all places, good times & the great people that changed your life.



P.S. I really wanna go back.

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

maybe a bright sandy beach is gonna bring you back

Being that I had almost the exact same "conversation" today with two different people, I feel the need to include the away message of Brian Sabella, the second person to bring the 'not-going-back-to-Marist' topic to my attention today (not that it wasn't already on my mind/brought up by almost everyone i've ever met in the past few weeks).

StamosIsLife: Finishing up packing for Marist...

Oh wait, Im old.

You little bastards better enjoy it.

Muffin is right. Katelyn actually said to me the other night, "You know, it's really scary that you graduated. I don't like it. It makes me realize that it doesn't last forever." Damn right it doesn't. I'm not going to get into it now cause it's late, but sometimes you really don't know what you've got til it's gone. But I was lucky. After a somewhat rough year (that had good moments, I'm not complaining), I had a very, very, very, very awesome last month of school. Starting with Festival then Banquet then Riverfest then Yuck then Senior week then Senior Formal then graduation; I feel incredibly lucky & blessed that I ended my time at Marist on such a high note.

I guess that's why this has been such a frustrating summer for me. Some things that I wanted to last...didn't and some things that I wanted to happen...haven't. But that's neither here nor there & this is not the time/place to analyze my summer. Maybe another time. Life is funny. I'm a very intense person but I'm an understanding person & not unforgiving. People never give me enough credit: I'm good at brushing things off my shoulders simply bc I don't want the weight of being angry or hurt or hating someone/having them dislike me. It's not worth it. Ok, shut up, Colleen. Just shut up.

Anyway, I did a first for me today: went to the beach by myself. Now, I absolutely love going to the beach but it's been the one thing that I've never really considered doing before. I've seen movies by myself (working at a movie theater desensitizes you to that), eaten by myself (granted, not at a restaurant, but I've gone into places like Panera or Dunkin Donuts or Quiznos, etc al & eaten alone), i've sat at concerts by myself (even if I had friends who were there, just sitting in a different section - DMB @ SPAC 2003 for example) and i've gone to see plays alone. Bottomline: I don't have a problem with a little 'me' time. Anyway, I've never considered going to the beach alone & especially this summer with certain 'circumstances' - so to speak - have caused me to always feel it necessary to have a beach buddy. Cassidy & Claudio have gone to the beach by themselves before & it's quite relaxing & peaceful & gorgeous there, so it shouldn't be a big deal at all. Soooo after an absolutely AMAZING day yesterday at the beach with Julia, Brian, Chris Golio, Ian face & Joe Matero, I decided I wanted to go again today. I woke up and it was gorgeous out so I thought to myself, "Self, just go do it."

So I did. And I relaxed with a book then walked around for over an hour. Said a hello that wasn't as awkward as I thought (I guess? from my POV but what do I know about anything?). Oh yeah - I also saw an old naked guy pissing into the ocean.

Basically, at Smith's Point, if you go all the way down to the right, there's a nude section. I remember walking down there in like 11th grade or something with either Claudio or Tricia or someone bc when you're like 16, the idea of naked people at the beach is still funny. Anyway, I remembered it being alot further than it actually is. At first I was like, "Ok, that dude's naked. Don't stare, just walk a little bit further, it's not crowded." I'm an idiot but I didn't feel like turning around and going back yet. So then I walk about 3 more minutes & see more saggy ballsacs. This time, I'm kinda getting the feeling (especially when I see some naked fat old lady) that it's time to go back. The clincher was when I look up from finding a song on my newly created playlist & see some guy standing by the sea. "Ok, Colleen, don't stare," I say to myself. Then I notice that he's NOT JUST STANDING THERE. NOPE. OLD GUY. NAKED. PISSING INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

Yup. That was great. I did not go swimming after I got back from my walk.

Ok, this post is long & I have to go find stories for
StarkedNY.com for tomorrow since I have work at AT 3-close & I have to go back to the mall so shit's gotta be done early. Thanks to everyone who's been going there & reading it. I really, really appreciate it.

P.S. Snakes on a Plane was awesome. Just awesome. Audience participation. I got to say, "Oohh, what's a trouser snake?" when the guy got bit in the crotch & Matero yelled out, "It's a trouser snake!" My favorite part (other than *the* line) was some guy from the audience yelling, "Why isn't William Shatner in this movie?!"
P.P.S. I'm going to put up videos from the Counting Crows concert as soon as I figure out how to load shit onto YouTube. Adam Duritz is fantastic.

*I finally unloaded like a month's worth of pictures from my camera; this is one from Aug 2, when Danny & I went with Brian to his gig in Hartford. We met up with Bri's friend, Tim, watched Brian play, then stayed up all night playing in Tim's pool, drinking & then having an insane game of "Never Have I Ever." But to kick off the night - aka Happy Hour - Brian bought us all pints. Look how tiny I am next to Danny & the pint haha.

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

K-Fed for MySpace

K-Fed For MySpace

Phil sent me this. It's hysterical. Then again, I think all things Federline are hysterical . Enjoy.

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M. Night to Direct Harry P?!

I love it when I find out news a month too late, especially when it’s news that’s just begging for a comment. Apparently M. Night Shyamalan (HA, I only had to look up the spelling of his name THREE times, suckers!), the man behind the awesome Sixth Sense and not-so-awesome Lady in the Water, has been telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s considering directing one of the last two Harry Potter movies. The director claims that he is “haunted” that he passed up the chance to director The Sorcerer’s Stone and if given the chance, he would be the “greatest protector of [the] author’s stuff.”

Now, M. Night doesn’t strike me as the type of director who adheres to necessary little things such as what another author intended the storyline to be. I can see it now: Dumbledore suddenly starts walking around, interacting with Harry, completely unaware that he’s dead. Then in an attempt to keep Death Eaters out of Hogwarts, new Headmaster McGonagall boards up all the windows/doors with some strong ass plywood and gathers all the students in the Great Hall, where everyone gets to conjure up their favorite last meals! And in a “completely unforeseen twist,” we learn that Hogwarts is actually located somewhere in the Dagobah System. Yoda appears and finishes where Dumbledore left off, teaching Harry how to defeat Voldemort using the force (who needs Legilimency & Occlumency nowadays, anyway?). To reward himself for being such a genius, M. Night creates a whole new member of the Order of the Phoenix for himself to play, completely forgoing all of J.K. Rowling’s well-crafted mythology in favor of his own, updated storyline, which he will then try to pass off as “something that happened a long time ago…really…”

This rant has been brought to you by Colleen. Anyone have anything to add? Any M. Night fans in the house who want to tell me I’m overacting slightly?

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Donkey Show!

yesterday i found out that someone that i work with has actually seen a real, live donkey show. i then found out a lot more about donkey anatomy than i've ever cared to know. repulsing, yet i couldn't stop listening.

according to previously mentioned firsthand witness, who was taking a trip to Mexico 9 years ago with her sister and a couple friends, it brings on a whole new meaning to "hung like a horse." I have NO idea how much exaggeration was going on - nor do I care to find out firsthand - so I'm just going to share with you what I was told. Two feet. Two fucking feet. That's A LOT of donkey penis. Where the hell does a donkey keep that thing when it's not aroused?

I was going to try to find a video of a donkey show but then I realized that would mean that I would have to at some point see the video and I don't want to do that to myself. So instead, I'm gonna just do one better and post the Donkey Show clip from Clerks 2. Have fun.

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Colleen pimps her new, paying blog gig on her newer, non-paying blog.

Word up, homeys?

Here's the link for the website that I started writing for yesterday: www.starkedny.com.

Everyone check it out daily; I have to make like 3 or 4 posts a day (though we all know how much I love making fun of famous people, so I'm sure that I'll end up doing more haha). I get paid based on the revenue the site takes in, which is based on how many people read it sooooo everyone try to get here as much as possible! Tell everyone (family, friends, MCCTA, coworkers, perfect strangers, your bank teller, the korean woman who does your nails, the 16 year old kid who bags your groceries at Shoprite, etc) wooooo. Leave comments or something. It'll be just like at school all over again, just minus the 12 million US Weekly's and Entertainment Weekly's laying around. But yes, if everyone could at least visit the site whenever possible, I'd really appreciate it.

P.S. Check out Anthony's show - www.thefartiste.com. If you get the NY Post, there's a sweet write up on it!

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Colleen's attempt at blogging, take 2.

Ooookay, so after talking with the one and only Kelly Rainey on this fine evening, I decided to jump on the bandwagon and started regularly posting shiznit on a blog. Soooo I'm going to take some old MySpace blog posts and put them up and then start rambling here for your entertainment. Because I think that what I have to say is somewhat amusing, even if it has absolutely no relevance in anyone else's life. Ah, hell, you never know. I lived with Sarah & Amanda for 3 years. Their wittiness has to have rubbed off on me in one way or another...

Here goes. The first couple posts will have been ones that you've already read if you happen to follow my MySpace blog (which I update probably once every 3 weeks or so).

From Wednesday, July 12, 2006:

ok, here are some fun links for everyone's laugh out loud pleasure.

1) It's a Paris news story. Read it and love it. Then laugh about how ridiculous it is and let's start a discussion about whether or not she actually believes half the shit she says. http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2006320014,00.html

2) I don't even think I can properly comment on how absolutely hysterical this is. Mickey Rourke is crazy. Makes Mariah Carey look like the model of sanity. http://socialitelife.com/2006/07/12/mickey_rourke_angry_with_his_pinky.php

3) A little bit of "Arrested Development" for your entertainment. Both are short clips from 2 of the funniest (in my opinion) moments from season 2. This show is BRILLIANT. (Amanda & Sarah, you NEED to watch season 3. It's SO funny). http://youtube.com/watch?v=MV_Ll5MhmeM&search=arrested development
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4blSr_M8jag&search=mrs. featherbottom

4) Not a link, but a quick antidote that Dunning told us at my graduation party. His friend was at a party with Christopher Walken, who may be my hero. Anyway, Walken's totally shitfaced and walks up to Dunning's friend and goes in his creepy, yet so bad ass Walken voice, "Ya know what the greatest part about being me is? I can go up to any girl here, take them home and fuck them in the ass and she'll let me." Yeah, sort of dirrrrrrty but his Christopher-fucking-Walken and he's probably got a point. I love that story. (Dunning, if I'm telling this wrong, correct me haha)

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