Happy 2 Year Anniversary!

Happy 2-year anniversary, Collwrites! Even though I made a post back in January 2006, this wasn't a regular thing until August 16, 2006. Meeeeeemories....

And in my heart you will remain forever young

After 9 years, it really shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't...

Happy Anniversary.

Sane is a relative term.

Okay, so made my return to Marist April 21 for Festival, the student written/acted/directed one act plays. Damn, I freaking miss MCCTA, which is somewhat disgusting. I have my soul back, this should NOT be happening. Haha, Phil has a tendency to reuse his favorite line from his play the year before in whatever play he's written for Festival current year. For Speed Demons (the show I was in Sr. year), it was my infamous Marisa-Tomei-influenced-Jewish-LI-accented-"32 hours!" monologue from Gods, In General (his show from Jr. year). <3 I love that Phil writes parts just for me & Steph, hehe. So spoiled. Anyway, this year, he gave Steph the same line from Speed Demons, which I love: "Sane is a relative term. We're all completely nuts. Some of us are just more forward about it."

Last year, hell/tech week for Festival just kicked off the greatest month ever. After rehearsal, we'd all go to Eddie's house & chill out, drink, etc. til the wee hours. And let's not even begin with the crazy ass, never-ending game of Catch Phrase...(Natalie's the default winner, haha). Then everything continued to be awesome for the next month, til graduation. I remember constantly quoting one of my favorite movies of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in my away message - the "This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon" part. ("I know." "What do we do?" "Enjoy it.") And we all know how rough last summer was for me, trying to grasp that it really was all gone. Admittedly, I was not in a very good place for months after graduation. But I've talked that to death in previous posts, I'm so over talking about it right now.

My point is that going back & walking around campus, it was almost like I never left, which was weird. I keep in touch with all my friends who are seniors - and I remember talking to everyone who graduated a year ahead of me at this time last year. Everyone goes through the same thing. They're all excited, but panicking about graduation & the real world. It's freaking scary. You start to really reminisce about the last 4 years. How intimidating it was to be a freshman & how graduation seemed to be so far away. Then, bam! Suddenly, YOU'RE the senior. You're the one that the freshman look up to, are scared to talk to (as Joey put it: underclassmen had this concept that he was 'all that' & were amazed if he said hello to them at a party or something & he didn't get why, until he remembered that he was the exact same way; we all were). Plus, you grow up a lot in those 4 years. Being away from home does wonders because you start to come into your own as a person. I certainly did. Definitely did. It's strange to watch them all experience the same emotions that I saw the seniors have when I was a junior & felt myself. Now seeing it from all 3 sides, I have a clearer perception that everything is okay in the end. Just as Phil points out about sanity, it really is all relative.

Anyway, it was also Phil's 22nd birthday, soooo at least I got to see everyone. I was up there for most of the day, met John for a little while, hung with Joey for a couple hours (drove him on a beer run, for old times sake), got to go to the Palace with Phil & Beth for dinner - hooray for sweet potato pancakes! :) Chilled with Crissy, Steph & Steph. "Slept" on Steph (Speranza's) couch. Here's pictures for anyone who actually cares. Note how exhausted I look in all of them, because I haven't slept in ages it seems. Yay, insomnia.

Phil & his muses; Speranza & I stay sane inside insanity :)

The lovely Miss Garrison
Memory of the Day: Matt dressing up as a mental patient & wandering into people's houses until someone called security on him. Typical.

The beautiful Amy Kate, who took over for me in my MCCTA board position :)

The Spirit of The Vagina Monologues

"Vagina is a dirty word culturally. Penis you can say as many times as you want but vagina's a bad word."

-Grey's Anatomy writer Krista Vernoff on the podcast 1/19/07

So, it's Valentine's Day & I'm feeling down. Why? Not because I don't have a valentine (I could care less, honestly) but because it's more of all those not-at-Marist emo feelings that keep plaguing me. Today marks the first Feb. 14 in 5 years that I haven't been gotten to talk about vaginas.

When I first auditioned for The Vagina Monologues back in Feb. '03 (freshman year), I did it because I had taken a long-needed break from doing theatre & was looking to get back on stage. When I got in, I accepted the part & did the show mainly because it pissed my mother off royally. And when I say she was angry that I would dare do something against the conservative Catholic mold she & my father had so carefully brought me & my sisters up in, I mean she was a-n-g-r-y. She came to see the show but was so mortified and embarrassed over the subject matter that she completely & totally missed the REAL point of The Vagina Monologues.

The point isn't to bash men. It isn't some giant lesbian-fest, nor is it a bunch of obnoxious hairy-arm-pitted chicks burning their bras, screaming "I am woman!" Just look at me. I'm definitely not any of those things at all. No, the message of The Vagina Monologues is both loud AND subtle. To quote one of the monologues, it's about "loving [your] woman self." Brief history/synopsis: Eve Ensler conducted hundreds of interviews with women of all ages, races, nationalities, occupations, social status, etc. about their experiences & thoughts on all sorts of subjects that women deal with like sex, childbirth, dating, marriage, menstruation, masturbation, grooming down there, the generation gap, fears, peeves, domestic abuse, being a casualty of war, favorite nicknames for their lady part, etc. And as the prologue tells us, "Women secretly loved talking about their vaginas, mainly because no one's ever asked them before." She then took the interviews and made them into a series of monologues addressing subject. Some are very funny, some are very shocking, some are extremely poignant and some are very depressing. All are very powerful.

The word 'vagina' is an interesting word. As Ms. Vernoff said, it's considered to culturally be a dirty word. Perhaps it's because it's not considered ladylike for women to discuss such things and men just get embarrassed to even acknowledge that the female sex organ even has a name (vagina=sensitivity=intimacy=freaks people out). Yet we have no problem calling people cowardly/weak people "pussies" or bitchy people "cunts". In show context, 'vagina' is used as a metaphor in many cases because it's a taboo word that gets people's attention. After all, the vagina is the ultimate sign of femininity, so why shouldn't it be used?

I participated in the show in 2003 & 2004 as a cast member. In 2004, when I was elected to the e-board for Marist College Council on Theatre Arts (MCCTA) as the Managing Director of Experimental Theatre (ETG), I inherited the task of being the liasion between MCCTA & the V-day organization. In 2005, I directed it and in 2006, I was lucky enough to do one of my favorite monologues as my swan song ("The Flood").

Back to what the spirit of Vag really is. The true spirit of The Vagina Monologues is camaraderie. It's for insecure women to know that they're not alone and for secure women to know that it's okay to feel secure & okay to have moments of insecurity. It's for all to know that they can make a difference, feel good about themselves, fight oppression, rise to challenges, speak out against things that bother them. They can define themselves in whatever way they choose. It's about girl power, but it is NOT about girl power at the expense of a man. The show doesn't bash men. Some of the subject matter may be uncomfortable for men to sit through, but it's nothing scary at all. Men: no one's going to lynch you for having a penis if you're in or around the vicinity of a performance.

To say that The Vagina Monologues changed my life is cheesy. The Vagina Monologues hasn't changed me in that life-altering, total wake-up call way. It's changed my sense of awareness and made me want other chicks to be aware. Aware, not obnoxiously bold about being a woman, running around screaming "CUUUNT!" every chance they get. My mom was wrong to be so worried; I haven't turned into a crazy liberal; I still have the same values she raised me with and many of the same views.

If my vagina could talk, what would it say? "Good luck to all my little Vag-es at Marist. Make me proud." Purple feathers, twigs and shells forever. Happy V-day.

Raise to the future, drink to the past

Ah, New Year's Eve. My favorite holiday after Halloween. After the traditional NYE dinner with my entire family in Syosset, I picked up Golio from the Hicksville train station (after waking him up at like 8pm & ordering him to get on the next train without choice). We dropped my car off at home. Christie drove us Danny Rittereiser's (Ritz) new abode on Bradley Dr. As much as I wanted to go into the city with Julia & Allison or party with Claudio, Frankie & Jenna Collins in Brooklyn, it was really nice to actually have something around the block for once.

Cassidy Jill & Ian-face were already there. It was a lot of Longwood kids that we never actually hung out with while in hs, so it was slightly awkward. Brian & Jen got there about an hour later. With our group complete (minus Claudio & Frankie), we had a good time. I got home around 4:30am & was up around 7:30am, completely awake. Golio, Katelyn & her friend were downstairs on the couches so I just ended up watching 24 on DVD, reading & taking a shower. I dropped Golio back off in Hicksville & then went to a diner in Syosset for our other annual tradition, which was brunch/resolutions. Later, Uncle Lou, Kate & I went to see Night at the Museum. I enjoyed it.

On a more introspective note, 2006 was a really strange, confusing, emotional year of change. I started it feeling very alone in general (fighting with Julia & Brian, bitter about feeling underappreciated in MCCTA, etc.), then had the whole 3 month acid reflux issues (medically, bc of a hernia, but I still think it was from the extremely, extremely stressful 1st semester I had last year, capped off by Uncle Emilio's sudden death & the toll that took on my entire family), then feeling frustrated over capping & fighting, then being brought out of it all bc of Children's Theatre (what I'll miss the most), Festival (which wouldn't have been nearly as much fun if it wasn't for all the nights of "bonding" at Eddie's, Catchphrase, vodka in the green room, all the ridiculousness our cast did onstage as far as improv, causing ourselves & each other to break character, the cast parties & that awesome fucking Sheila dress) & of course, Banquet. Such an emotional time. Then the indescribable feeling of graduation, the confusing, insecure summer which lead to me not acting like myself til Sept when my feelings were hurt further through a very passive aggressive message (though I admit I brought a lot of it on from my own immature behavior, which resulted from the confusion & insecurity I allowed myself to give into; it's a cycle, really). Anger caused me to snap out of it, but I was mad at the universe bc I was once again feeling alone, sad, self-destructive & insecure when months earlier I was feeling like it was all coming together. I hate hate hate who I am when I'm like that, because I'm not like that. The last 3 months of 2006 were spent being miserable over still living on LI, not having a real job & slaving away at Ann-fucking-Taylor with the virginal Jesus freaks who talk shit about everyone but smile to their faces. But that was 2006. 2007 is going to be so much better. It has to be. I'm right. The end.

When Tricia & I went to visit CJ for her 21st & then to Baltimore to visit her dad, it was right after the Children's Theatre's Liquid Lunch, which was absolutely the defining moment for me in terms of "it's going to be gone soon." Brian Sabella & I at one point, after successfully planning it 2 years in a row, looked at each other & said, "This is the last time we're doing this. It's not supposed to be the last time. How did this happen?" That's when I started crying in the middle of Toucan's, bc I just knew that everything I built for myself was going to be gone, just like that. So in Baltimore, I was in a melancholy place. I remember laying awake & thinking, "Is life going to get better?" And then came Festival, Banquet, Riverfest, our awesome magazine for capping, Yuck & Senior Week and...it did. And I'm so glad that it did, bc if I ended my time at Marist feeling that for once, I had nothing to complain about, I could hold onto everything that makes a person content with life & take great memories with me, even if none of it would be there afterwards. At least I left with a smile. And though I can be a depressive bitch, I'm generally a positive person bc I know that for every friend you fight with, every bad grade you get, every person that fucks you over, every melodrama, every stressful all-nighter trying to balance everything, every argument over buying toilet paper, there's going to be a moment where it all comes together, that makes you forget about everything that bothers you. And those are the moments that make it all worth it.

That said, here's pictures from NYE at Ritz's house, Casa de Bradley:

At the start of the night. Thursday's haircut was not a moment too soon.
Silly, Ian, you can't stop it so just don't try to fight it...
...Nope, he may be 1 hr & 52 minutes-ish older than me, but I still showed him, ha.
Some of the gang: CJ, Golio, Ian-face, Jen, Brian.

Thankful for what each of them taught me this past year.
In the words of Ms. Roxie Hart: "These are my boys." Ah, Golio. Oh, look. It's the Chris Golio fashion shoot. Awesome.
I love Ian-face, birthday buddy & prom date extraordinaire.
Poor Jen & Brian just wanted to play beer pong, after waiting through the world's longest game to get on the table (even Brian Sabella would have wanted to kill himself waiting for this game to end)...

...but CJ only really wanted to play with the dog. Typical. Doesn't she have like, 12 dogs at home that she doesn't pay attention to? jk

Goodbye, 2006. Hello, 2007.

Aaaaand noooow, 2 GLORIOUS, Ann Taylor-free days.

Um, I saw this sign in the bathroom of the Starbucks at 50th & Broadway last week. It amused me so much that I actually took a picture of it to share with all of you. Amanda Giordano is the only one who's actually taken as much pleasure in it as I have (I guess we're officially the corniest people I know). But, as Gob would say, "COME ON!"

Isn't it a little bit funny, or rather, absolutely hysterical that the sign gives instructions on how to wash your hands?! Does this mean that somewhere signs exists that tells people how to put their pants on or wipe their own ass?

Cassidy & Tricia - if you girls were there, you totally would've found it as humorous as I do. It's kinda like the license plate that Tricia & I came across back in April when we drove from Cassidy's apt in Elizabethtown to Tricia's dad's apt in Baltimore, after cracking about 483 jokes about all the Jesus freaks in PA. It's hard to read (it rained like woah that morning but I made her take the pic anyway):

(...it says "Love God". Tricia & I are going to hell.)

Ok! I FINALLY finished my 8 straight days of hell at Ann Taylor & now I'm totally psyched about having 2 days off in a row. If anyone wants to do anything, holler at me, I'm down, even if it's just sitting on a street corner somewhere & staring at the gravel. As long as it doesn't include anything remotely near Tanger Outlets, it's golden..

Caught a train to Poughkeepsie & time stood still

So alumni weekend was fabulous. It was great to be back in Potown & see everyone; it was just what I needed.

Went up on Friday afternoon & met up with Pookie (Amanda) & Gar (Sarah) at Culinary for a little Apple Pie Bakery goodness. Then Gar & I walked around campus for a while. We stopped in the Student Center to say hi to MCCTA (well, I said hi while Gar made fun of me for being overly social, as usual ha). I just busted right into the Mainstage rehearsal & tried to say hi to everyone at the Musical rehearsal but Tom had banned all alumni from entering the theatre all weekend, so whatev. OH we saw Bob Lynch, who I basically accousted. Then he said the word 'fuck' when talking to us, which we were both shocked & STOKED about since I've never heard Bob curse before. It was another sign that the night would be great.

We went to meet Pookie & Eddie & co. at Noah's, since they'd gone to Happy Hour. I hate Noah's, but I put on a brave face. Saw some older MCCTA alum, which was awesome. I really do miss Laurie, Karla & all them - especially Laurie & Karla. They were like my idols, man. After about 20 minutes (thank God) Pookie & Gar & I decided to pay Rachel Cronin a visit at work. She feed us, which was lovely, and then took us back to her house, where we hung out with her & Will for a while. They're getting married next Oct, which makes her the 3rd person I graduated with to get engaged, which isn't as weird as I thought it'd be. I guess cause she & Will and Rob & Lizzie Poo have all been together forever it was like both couples are married already. Katie & Justen have only been together a year but they're all about the passion & connection so I wasn't surprised when they got engaged.

I do find it hysterical that both of my senior year roommates got engaged the same weekend. There's definitely a self-deprecating joke/comment in there but I'm not going to make it.

Anyway, then Randy called & forced us to go to Hatter. Alice drove us. Randy told me I looked like a substitute teacher then tried to set me up with his fraternity brother. Geez, I guess I'm too hot for my own good or something.

After Hatter, they wanted to go to Noah's again so we did (UGH) but Risa was having an alumni party so Topher & this kid Matt who's the star of the musical came to pick me up. I wasn't wasted but I wasn't sober at all. I got to Risa's & started screaming "MCCTAAAA!!!" as soon as I walked in the door, which I thought was rather annoying/fitting for me to do. I said all my hellos & then went back with Crissy & Heather to their house & proceeded to drink some Octoberfest & eat Crissy's entire kitchen since I was in hungry drunk mode. I wanted to meet up with Pookie & Gar at Darby's & got Heather, Crissy, Angrisani, Joey, Annie, Megan & Courtney to come with. Yeah, there were 8 of us fitting into a 5 person cab. It was rather hysterical. Actually I think Eddie came too? I can't remember, but there may have been 9 of us.

After Darby's, Gar & I talked to Steph Speranza who said that we could stay in her room at the Mariott, which was FABULOUS. So we did that, chilled for a while with her, watched "Pulp Fiction" at like 4am and went to bed.

Next day was filled with wandering around campus, the Palace, more visits & hellos, etc. I went to dinner with Eddie & the divas-minus-Meagan at Double-O Grille, where Steph works. Five stars. Allison, Julia, Eddie, Amanda Giordano & I had rented a hotel room for Sat night so we went back there, pregamed & went out. I think the night was as follows: Foxhole for a bit then Amanda & I met up with Steph after she got off work while the others walked to Mahoneys; we waited in line there but got bored with it fast (the others were inside). Steph saw Sarah Gordon, who was going back to Noah's, so we hitched a ride with her & hung out at Noah's for a little while. Sarah's cool; she & Steph are hysterical together. Rachel & Will met us there & Steph, Amanda & I walked back to their house and chilled for a bit before going to Darby's. It was a laaaaate night and Julia, Eddie, Amanda & I rode back in the sketchiest cab EVER (Eddie was stepping in vomit, it was LOVELY) and we all tried to crash.

Palace the next morning (ah, how I missed thee). Everyone split after, but I walked around Vanderbilt for a while before coming home, totally spent.

Ok, this post is ridiculously long and probably only interesting to me so I'm going to stop for now. I'm going out to have an adventure with Golio. More later.

<3>

Take Me Back...

Dear Friends at Marist,

I'm so incredibly jealous of you all right now. In fact, I think that if I had to take 8am classes, 5 days a week just so I could go back and not have to be in the real world, I would be ok with that. So, kids, here's my advice:

1. Go out and have fun. After freshman year, I didn't do nearly enough partying (no matter how much Randy tried to tell me that i should go out & be fun) until tech week of Festival. Unfortunately, I decided I liked it so much that I've spent much of the past 3 months livin' like it's 1999. But that's not the point. My last month at Marist may have very well been the best time I had at school & it's what's making me want to go back so much more, haha.

2. Listen up, MCCTA: It's JUST fucking MCCTA. I know that statement makes me THE MOST hypocritical person on the planet right now but the show will go on. But please, don't let Crissy have a heart attack. Someone drag her away from the theatre once it hits 11pm. 1am is acceptable for tech weeks. Dunkin Donuts runs are your lifesavers. Yuhas will always be up for one. Oh, & make the new beer fairy do something totally unfair at least once. And fuck you for getting to do "Crazy for You," which is still my favorite show that I've ever done.

3. Irish nachos at Darbys. They're your best friend.

4. Riverfest is the greatest night ever.

5. The wall in Gartland is the best spot on campus.

6. Enjoy it. It's going to be gone soon. And before you know it, it'll be the end of Aug, 3 months after you've graduated & you'll wish that you weren't in the real world, but rather in your common room with your fantastic roommates (xoxo), laughing about hand drawn penis pictures, watching tv on dvd & having everything's silly time. And you'll be really missing all places, good times & the great people that changed your life.

Love,

Colleen

P.S. I really wanna go back.

maybe a bright sandy beach is gonna bring you back

Being that I had almost the exact same "conversation" today with two different people, I feel the need to include the away message of Brian Sabella, the second person to bring the 'not-going-back-to-Marist' topic to my attention today (not that it wasn't already on my mind/brought up by almost everyone i've ever met in the past few weeks).

StamosIsLife: Finishing up packing for Marist...

Oh wait, Im old.

You little bastards better enjoy it.

Muffin is right. Katelyn actually said to me the other night, "You know, it's really scary that you graduated. I don't like it. It makes me realize that it doesn't last forever." Damn right it doesn't. I'm not going to get into it now cause it's late, but sometimes you really don't know what you've got til it's gone. But I was lucky. After a somewhat rough year (that had good moments, I'm not complaining), I had a very, very, very, very awesome last month of school. Starting with Festival then Banquet then Riverfest then Yuck then Senior week then Senior Formal then graduation; I feel incredibly lucky & blessed that I ended my time at Marist on such a high note.

I guess that's why this has been such a frustrating summer for me. Some things that I wanted to last...didn't and some things that I wanted to happen...haven't. But that's neither here nor there & this is not the time/place to analyze my summer. Maybe another time. Life is funny. I'm a very intense person but I'm an understanding person & not unforgiving. People never give me enough credit: I'm good at brushing things off my shoulders simply bc I don't want the weight of being angry or hurt or hating someone/having them dislike me. It's not worth it. Ok, shut up, Colleen. Just shut up.

Anyway, I did a first for me today: went to the beach by myself. Now, I absolutely love going to the beach but it's been the one thing that I've never really considered doing before. I've seen movies by myself (working at a movie theater desensitizes you to that), eaten by myself (granted, not at a restaurant, but I've gone into places like Panera or Dunkin Donuts or Quiznos, etc al & eaten alone), i've sat at concerts by myself (even if I had friends who were there, just sitting in a different section - DMB @ SPAC 2003 for example) and i've gone to see plays alone. Bottomline: I don't have a problem with a little 'me' time. Anyway, I've never considered going to the beach alone & especially this summer with certain 'circumstances' - so to speak - have caused me to always feel it necessary to have a beach buddy. Cassidy & Claudio have gone to the beach by themselves before & it's quite relaxing & peaceful & gorgeous there, so it shouldn't be a big deal at all. Soooo after an absolutely AMAZING day yesterday at the beach with Julia, Brian, Chris Golio, Ian face & Joe Matero, I decided I wanted to go again today. I woke up and it was gorgeous out so I thought to myself, "Self, just go do it."

So I did. And I relaxed with a book then walked around for over an hour. Said a hello that wasn't as awkward as I thought (I guess? from my POV but what do I know about anything?). Oh yeah - I also saw an old naked guy pissing into the ocean.

Basically, at Smith's Point, if you go all the way down to the right, there's a nude section. I remember walking down there in like 11th grade or something with either Claudio or Tricia or someone bc when you're like 16, the idea of naked people at the beach is still funny. Anyway, I remembered it being alot further than it actually is. At first I was like, "Ok, that dude's naked. Don't stare, just walk a little bit further, it's not crowded." I'm an idiot but I didn't feel like turning around and going back yet. So then I walk about 3 more minutes & see more saggy ballsacs. This time, I'm kinda getting the feeling (especially when I see some naked fat old lady) that it's time to go back. The clincher was when I look up from finding a song on my newly created playlist & see some guy standing by the sea. "Ok, Colleen, don't stare," I say to myself. Then I notice that he's NOT JUST STANDING THERE. NOPE. OLD GUY. NAKED. PISSING INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

Yup. That was great. I did not go swimming after I got back from my walk.

Ok, this post is long & I have to go find stories for StarkedNY.com for tomorrow since I have work at AT 3-close & I have to go back to the mall so shit's gotta be done early. Thanks to everyone who's been going there & reading it. I really, really appreciate it.

P.S. Snakes on a Plane was awesome. Just awesome. Audience participation. I got to say, "Oohh, what's a trouser snake?" when the guy got bit in the crotch & Matero yelled out, "It's a trouser snake!" My favorite part (other than *the* line) was some guy from the audience yelling, "Why isn't William Shatner in this movie?!"
P.P.S. I'm going to put up videos from the Counting Crows concert as soon as I figure out how to load shit onto YouTube. Adam Duritz is fantastic.

*I finally unloaded like a month's worth of pictures from my camera; this is one from Aug 2, when Danny & I went with Brian to his gig in Hartford. We met up with Bri's friend, Tim, watched Brian play, then stayed up all night playing in Tim's pool, drinking & then having an insane game of "Never Have I Ever." But to kick off the night - aka Happy Hour - Brian bought us all pints. Look how tiny I am next to Danny & the pint haha.