Even Men Can't Resist Cashmere

It's time for another edition of "This only happens to Colleen!" (See: Even Old Women... or the naked old dude pissing in the ocean at Smith's Point in "Maybe a Bright Sandy Beach..."). In today's segment:

I'm at work at Ann Taylor & some old JAPs are asking me about cardigan sets. Old JAP Broad #1 is holding up a pink one, asking me if there are any more shells (the tank top/vest that one wears under a cardigan. I own 4, you've probably seen me wearing them at one point, as I tend to dress like a 35-year-old Republican woman whenever the temperature goes below 78 degrees). ANYWAY, I'm trying to tell her that we got new, wool ones in for the winter & that the only silk/cotton blend ones we have were already out (yeah, it's sort of disgusting that I actually know shit like that now). Old JAP Broad #2 is apparently arguing with me, going forcefully & oh-so-politely, "NO!! Do you have any more of these tank tops?"

Again, I tell her I do not & gesture to the pink pile, dutifully offering to help her find a size. Again, Old JAP Broads start arguing with me. Finally, Old JAP Broad #1, who's still holding a pink cardigan, snaps at me with punctuated syllables for the poor, socially unequal shopgirl, "NO. Do. You. Have. Any. Of. THIS. Color?" Old JAP Broad #2 finally holds up a teal cardigan.

Oh. GEEZ lady, why didn't you fucking say so in the FIRST PLACE, instead of waving the fucking pink one in my face? So I'm taken aback by her tone/sentence structure & momentarily forget that I am merely a humble employee & she the always-right-costumer. I start to snap back, going tone-for-tone with her.

"Oh. Sorry. My. Mistake. No. We. Don't."

Then I snap back to reality - oh there goes gravity - & calmly add, "I got confused, haha, oops!" Bitch must've gotten the message, though, cause her attitude immediately changed. Then they quizzed me about my size (why the hell do people never believe me when I tell them I'm a small or size 2 in our tops & a size 4 in our pants? I didn't try to insist to them that they couldn't possibly be mediums, as they kept insisting that I couldn't possibly be a small...)

So yeah. That's a lovely story, but it's not quite at "This only happens to Colleen!" level yet. Here's the next part:

I go into the back room to chill for a second following this encounter. Two colleagues, Lisa & Ryan (no, Jenna, Kelly & Kalyn, not hot Ryan, unfortch), are on break. I relate to them what just happened and we joke about it. Then I move towards the door & say, "Well, I'm goin' to wordrobing so I can go avoid a bitch or else I'm-a cut her! PEACE." I open the door & step out.

No sooner have these words left my mouth when I look up and see some guy trying on our lovely green cashmere sweater.

I don't even turn around. I walk backwards through the door, into the break room & exclaim, "WHAT IS THIS, THE FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE?!" I begin laughing so hard I can barely get out the words, "Guy. Zone 5. Green cashmere. Trying on." Ryan's confused because he can't speak crazy girl, but Lisa gets the gist, pushes past Ryan & RUNS to see. Of course by now homey's got it off. My manager, Bill, comes over to see why I'm collapsed in a fit of laughter & tears on the floor. I finally get my act together & go back out, but have to walk completely around that area where he's standing so that I don't start laughing at him.

After a further look at the sweater that he's holding, I can't tell if it was ours or not (perhaps he just had a man's version of a green cashmere sweater that he was taking off?) If it is and I saw what I think I saw, it's definitely one of those "This only happens to Colleen!" moments.

At least it wasn't as gross as the naked old dude peeing at Smith's Point.

There's Always the Next

2am and i'm still awake writing this song
if i get all out, it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to
and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd
'cause these words are my diary screaming outloud
and i know that you'll use them however you want to
but you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button now
so cradle your head in your hands
-Anna Nalick

Warning: this is going to be a bit of a downer post, since I'm in one of those moods. And it's long. Don't bother to read it if you don't want to hear me bitching about shit that makes no difference in the scheme of things, that I brought on myself anyway. Skip to my last post, it's a funny story.

You know how certain days or events can trigger 'those' types of feelings? Where you just sorta harp on things that you can't fix, particuarly because you know that you can't fix them? Well, October 20 is one of those really stupid days for me. I'm going to be ambiguous because I'm not writing this to call anyone out, since I'm of the school of thought that it takes two people to fuck up *most* situations and I'd never be so arrogant as to assert that most of the shit that bothers me isn't at least partially my fault. I can't ever leave anything alone & have the tendency to beat a situation to death, especially if I know that I can't win - and even more especially if it's something that I really, really wish was different.

Anyway, what's bothering me is bad choices, second chances & acceptance.

Bad choices: I used to let things scare me. I cared too much about stupid shit, like the "what ifs" or what people on the outside of a situation thought of it. I just didn't want people to know what I was thinking - or rather, I didn't want people close to me to know how i was feeling. I know now, years later, that "what ifs" & the paranoia of opening yourself up are just excuses to run away from something you want but you're not sure of. I don't think that anything is ever black & white. Nothing is either "this" or "that". You just have to be brave enough to try something out because you never know if it will be the best thing of your life. As Gilda Ratner said, life is "delicious ambiguity." And if it doesn't work out, yeah that sucks, yeah it'll sting for a while, but we all float on. In hindsight, I know now that the right choice was made by someone. I wasn't a sure bet. I was angry & hurt over feeling not good enough for a long time - probably, honestly, til this summer. But time & maturity lets you rethink what happened. I can't say that if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't have done the same thing. It just happened to me but it changed me. It made me a little less afraid each subsequent time. Then again, nothing else really meant as much to me after, but it's ok. I think that the right choice was made & I'd even say it in person if it ever came up (not that it ever will, but I'd be man enough to admit it - I can actually write about it, even if it's very vaguely).

Second chances: I'd like to think that I'm a good person. I just get a little carried away sometimes. I'm passionate. But I try, I really do. And I wish that I had had a second chance with certain things, most recently something that happened this summer. (Or didn't happen, depending on how you look at it, haha - oohhh I hope I never lose ability to make small jokes like that to keep myself from going crazy in general.)

In any case, I blame karma. I've been in the reversed situation before ( see above!), so there was a moment when I just knew that there was no hope for me. I just did. And I want to say a great many things right now, but though I'll probably never get to say them, they're not for public forum. I barely talked about it to anyone - even Julia, Randy, Cassidy kept hearing, "I don't want to talk about it, it's not you, I just don't want to."

Even now I'm kinda considering taking this paragraph out because I'm terrified that anyone reading it will know what I'm talking about & roll their eyes at me for sounding lame. I'm just very sorry that I took my own disappointment & unhappiness out on my friends who have always been around for me, like Brian, Ian, Bobby, etc. Thank God for Claudio & Frankie, even in their somewhat buzzed state, for seeing I wasn't all rainbows & butterflies at Joe's party & not letting me leave until they were certain I was fine, even though they just sat in my car with me in silence cause I didn't want to talk about what was wrong. They cared when I needed it. And though I was pissed at CJ (Cassidy) for taking my phone at my grad party & making a phone call that I did not know about until afterwards, she & Claudio were amazing at taking care of me one night in July. Seeing that I needed to just be upset for a night to get a shitty day out of my system, they really were good friends that night. Especially because I again "didn't want to talk about it." CJ, Brian & Ian whisking my hungover ass away to Splish Splash the next morning at the ass-crack of dawn was just what I needed too: to be reminded that I have friends who care, even when I don't think that I deserve it or am selfishly wallowing in my own disgusting self-pity. They'll always give me second chances & for that, I'm truly grateful. Golio was a godsend too. He was the one who really gave it to me straight without even asking me any questions for details or info. I wouldn't have gotten myself back on track as quickly without Chris Golio's tough love, ha. Matero, too. He got me out of a bad situation towards the end of the summer, even if it wasn't quick enough. He tried though; I just was too stupid to listen to him to get out of there sooner. I was drunk & had to see where the train was going to crash. I wish I had listened to him. I wish to God I had. I knew I wasn't getting any second chances before that night, but after that, I think that the first chance was pretty much tainted forever.

The moral of the story is that I need to stay off the Facebook for at least 2 weeks. I hate randomly checking people's profiles & discovering shit that I don't know about & never would've known. Cause now it'll bother me, which is completely & utterly retarded. I'll know it's lame & then get pissed at myself for being lame & pathetic. It's a terrible cycle. But certain things have hurt my feelings & it's all the Facebook's fault. The end.

Acceptance: During one of the Mets games at Matero's house this week, his cousin told him & Ian that "she's a chick, but she's more of a man than both of you," because I held my own in the pizza/donut overindulgence (UGH I'm TOTALLY paying for it now though) & had no problem screaming obscenities at the screen, arguing about baseball strategies & letting them fart in front of me. Despite my apparent "one of the guys" qualities, I'm still a girl. And I don't like to accept that something is over, especially when it's not on good terms. Hence why I was angry for almost 4 years over ^, still wish that I was at Marist like woah & had to make sure that I must've totally looked like a fucking crazy person this summer. I just don't. I don't generally hold grudges. I hate knowing that there are things that I can't fix, won't get closure for, can't change, can't at least talk about to find some sort of peace. One October 20 I finally gave in to something I always wanted & now I'm reminded that because I waited so long...it was too late. And that was the hardest thing I've ever had to accept, hands down. But I did & I survived to finally talk (write) about it.

One last confession while I'm at it: Honestly, I've been putting up all those Facebook pictures & blogging about good times a lot more lately as more of a way to convince myself that everything is okay in the end, I can have a good time even if I'm not totally feeling it & you just have to keep chugging thru. Obla-di, obla-da. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish that I was included in other people's fun times or that they were included in mine, but I'm grateful for what I've got going on & the friends I've got.

I doubt anyone's still reading this, but if you made it down this far, I came across this postcard from PostSecret. PostSecret is this amazing website where people write down their secrets on a postcard & mail it in anonymously. It's absolutely incredible - I'd totally love to start my own version of it. Imagine getting whatever's bothering you off your chest but no one has to ever know it's you. Check out the site. Anyway, I found this postcard & it especially applies to something that I think is at the core of what's really making me so emo, though I'm not sure why it matters so much. It just does, probably because I know I made some bad decisions, I'm not getting any second chances, and I'm just going to have to accept it:

I'm so silly. Silly, silly Colleen! At least I know that anyone referenced but not identified by name in this probably isn't reading it. And if they are, then they can holler at me if they have a problem, question or comment. Really. I'm quite harmless. Peace.


"You know what? You're the first person I ever told about this...and I feel a little bit better."

Even Old Women Talk About Sex

I know I complain a lot about still being stuck at Ann Taylor 8 days a week, but as with anything you do all the time, it has its moments. Anyway, there's this older woman, Joan, who works there. She's...a character. She's about 70 & probably should've retired like 10 years ago for various reasons/behavior, but she's harmless. She lost her husband in a car crash a few years ago so she still works so she has something to do. This is somewhat relevant back story for what I'm going to tell you.

So I was in the dressing room the second half of the day & it got quiet in there. So, being me, I decided to start making a list of stuff I have to get done tonight, tomorrow, before I die. Joan's in there with me & tells me that she loves to make lists too. Everyone always teased her about doing so. One day, her friend found one of her lists & added to the bottom: "#12. Screw husband."

Joan: "And I didn't forget to do THAT!"

Keep in mind this is a 70-year-old woman telling me this.

I start hysterically laughing (naturally I'm already plotting who I'm going to do this too...). Then she goes, "I should add the same thing to YOUR list!"

70-year-old woman.

Me: "...except I don't have a husband!"

Joan: "Well then, I'll just have to write 'Screw SOMEONE!'"

Let me break this down: The 70-year-old woman that I work with basically told me that I need to get laid. Naturally, I retold this story to the other broads at work. Seriously, little Tara, Barbara & I could not breathe we were laughing so hard.

Ok, I'm off to Matero's to go watch the Mets game with him & Ian-face. Yay 4th night of munchkins, Domino's & baseball this week!

Oohhh they wanna dance with somebody

Julia & I went up to Marist this weekend to see And Then There Were None (as did Courtney & Julie). It was strange to sit in the Nelly Goletti & NOT have to worry about anything. At all. I haven't done that since freshman year. Congrats to everyone, they did fabulous - extra special pats on the back for Cassie & Megan (producers), Erica my ROCKSTAR (PSM) & Christina (anyone who can make Amy Kate actually truly look like a 70-year-old woman gets massive snaps).

I hung out with Rachel, Will, Steph, Nate H., Jeremy & Ryan Defoe for a while afterwards, then made an appearance at the cast party. Rachel, send me those pictures that you took at su casa when you get a chance. Also, damn you Speranza for getting me back into a massive Tori-kick again.

I was still exhuasted from my 8 straight days at my crappy job, so I knew by last Tues that there was no way I was going to be drinking or anything like that this weekend. Anyway, Phil managed to convince me to drive him, Beth, Angrisani, Topher & Stephanie Garrison to Darbys at around 1-1:30am. How did he do this when all I wanted to do was go home to Crissy & Heather's couch & sleep? Irish Nachos. Damn it, I'm a sucker for those gloriously greasy, fattening, unhealthy waffle fries with bacon & melted cheese everytime. Damn you, O'Hagan. DAMN YOU & you "I can eat Irish Nachos at 3am & still look as hot as the movie star I will be some day" ways!

Moving on so this isn't another novel:

We took Angrisani's Irish Nacho virginity & it made him so happy that he & Topher just wanted to dance with everybody! OMG! There's even video of them celebrating! Could you possibly ask for anything more?! *Note that poor Steph totally realizes what she's gotten into by agreeing to come with us, hahaha. Beth is not there bc we made her the Irish Nachos Bitch & made her wait at the bar for an extended period of time with instructions to not come back with the goods.

After getting home at 3:30am (I had to take a trip to the Wall after I dropped everyone off. I didn't go during alumni weekend & that place has always given me perspective). I fell asleep on Crissy & Heather's couch in Fulton around 4am, got up at 8am, went for a short run (I missed my old course, esp. since I couldn't run the last like 2 weeks of school cause I was gimping around haha). Then I drove straight to my grandparents' house in Syosset to shower & get all dolled up for work, dropped all my shit off in Ridge in about 4 minutes and flew out the door to good old Ann Taylor Factory Outlet.

You Know How I Know Phil's Gay?

Heyyyyy let's play the "You Know How I Know Phil is Gay" game! I'll go first!!

"You know how I know Phil's gay?"
"How?"
"He sings Sarah McLachlan to himself when he's in the tanning salon alone."

*Thanks to Beth for telling me this story. It seriously made the whole staying up 2 hours later than I wanted to and DD'ing to Darby's completely worth it.*

How do YOU know Phil's gay? Someone else play with me!

Um, cause apparently this blog posting is now dedicated to Phil's homo ass, I promised I'd put this super awesome & totally exciting video of him swallowing liquid really quickly just to prove he's a superstar! Oh Phil, you're truly outrageous.



...but I still won the bet about the Carver.

Aaaaand noooow, 2 GLORIOUS, Ann Taylor-free days.

Um, I saw this sign in the bathroom of the Starbucks at 50th & Broadway last week. It amused me so much that I actually took a picture of it to share with all of you. Amanda Giordano is the only one who's actually taken as much pleasure in it as I have (I guess we're officially the corniest people I know). But, as Gob would say, "COME ON!"

Isn't it a little bit funny, or rather, absolutely hysterical that the sign gives instructions on how to wash your hands?! Does this mean that somewhere signs exists that tells people how to put their pants on or wipe their own ass?

Cassidy & Tricia - if you girls were there, you totally would've found it as humorous as I do. It's kinda like the license plate that Tricia & I came across back in April when we drove from Cassidy's apt in Elizabethtown to Tricia's dad's apt in Baltimore, after cracking about 483 jokes about all the Jesus freaks in PA. It's hard to read (it rained like woah that morning but I made her take the pic anyway):

(...it says "Love God". Tricia & I are going to hell.)

Ok! I FINALLY finished my 8 straight days of hell at Ann Taylor & now I'm totally psyched about having 2 days off in a row. If anyone wants to do anything, holler at me, I'm down, even if it's just sitting on a street corner somewhere & staring at the gravel. As long as it doesn't include anything remotely near Tanger Outlets, it's golden..

Soooo who's havin' a Halloween party?

I just finished day 6 out of an 8 day work stretch. I know there are a lot worse jobs out there, but I'm just so sick & tired of being there and not having a real job that I'm just, "Aaaaahhhh!!" I'm going up to Marist again this weekend to see And Then There Were None, MCCTA's first show this season. But I'm only going for the night, since I'm gonna have to work again all week & I REALLY want to sit at home, even if it's for half a day.

Here's the part where I get a little tiny bit annoyingly reflective: I realized what's so unnerving about being home. There's a whole other life/world that's still going on at Marist & I'm not a part of it anymore. It seems like the world's at that summertime standstill, when you take a time out from everything & then life resumes again in Sept, right where you left off. Because I don't have a real job yet (trust me, I've been looking), all I'm doing is working like crazy at Ann Taylor, but it doesn't seem like the world is moving. Yet it's going so quickly for seemingly everyone else, especially those at Marist. It's weird to go back or to just know that there's still classes, board meetings, rehearsals, papers, production meetings, etc. all happening & I'M NOT A PART OF IT. It's just...unnerving because I'm used to being involved & a part of everything. It's a step backwards, really; I'm stuck in Ridge & feel trapped, especially cause my friends from home are busy working (Ian) or living in NYC (Golio, Claudio, Frankie, Bobby) or Hartford (Brian). I still talk to them & Golio's out most weekends; I see Amanda, Matero & Julia a lot too, so it's not so terrible, but I miss everyone & the community I built there a lot. I still talk to Randy, Sarah, Phil, Amanda G, Eddie & Anthony a lot & keep in touch with Angrisani (who's so awesome he got us, Eddie Storey & Sabella season tickets to the Yankees next year!), Rachel, Annie, Steph, Crissy, Risa, Sabella, Josh-i mean-G-Force, etc. so I'm lucky. I miss everyone else though that I haven't talked to or seen in a while.

Onto the most important thing. Someone throw a Halloween party! I got invited to some party in Mt. Sinai or Miller Place or somewhere in that vicinity by some people from work, but let's face it - Eddie & I need to try to one-up last year's costume. I realize that NOTHING will EVER be as amazing as our turn as Britney & K-Fed but I love Halloween. I'd have one if I weren't on LI, since no one would actually be able to come, haha. So now I'm basically commanding someone to throw a Halloween party! K, thanks! :)

Last Wed, there was a staged reading of Softly Sara Falls, the play that I produced for ETG junior year. It's an original, unpublished script & MCCTA's production of it was its world-premiere. It's an awesome, amazing play. Heather Liebal (who played Sara & totally deserved to win the Best Actress award at Banquet) found out about it & organized for all of us involved to go. Everyone came but Randy (busy being a Jersey redneck), Jeff (real job in RI), Natalie & Joey (night classes). It was SO cool. Here's a picture of some of us waiting for it to start:

Caught a train to Poughkeepsie & time stood still

So alumni weekend was fabulous. It was great to be back in Potown & see everyone; it was just what I needed.

Went up on Friday afternoon & met up with Pookie (Amanda) & Gar (Sarah) at Culinary for a little Apple Pie Bakery goodness. Then Gar & I walked around campus for a while. We stopped in the Student Center to say hi to MCCTA (well, I said hi while Gar made fun of me for being overly social, as usual ha). I just busted right into the Mainstage rehearsal & tried to say hi to everyone at the Musical rehearsal but Tom had banned all alumni from entering the theatre all weekend, so whatev. OH we saw Bob Lynch, who I basically accousted. Then he said the word 'fuck' when talking to us, which we were both shocked & STOKED about since I've never heard Bob curse before. It was another sign that the night would be great.

We went to meet Pookie & Eddie & co. at Noah's, since they'd gone to Happy Hour. I hate Noah's, but I put on a brave face. Saw some older MCCTA alum, which was awesome. I really do miss Laurie, Karla & all them - especially Laurie & Karla. They were like my idols, man. After about 20 minutes (thank God) Pookie & Gar & I decided to pay Rachel Cronin a visit at work. She feed us, which was lovely, and then took us back to her house, where we hung out with her & Will for a while. They're getting married next Oct, which makes her the 3rd person I graduated with to get engaged, which isn't as weird as I thought it'd be. I guess cause she & Will and Rob & Lizzie Poo have all been together forever it was like both couples are married already. Katie & Justen have only been together a year but they're all about the passion & connection so I wasn't surprised when they got engaged.

I do find it hysterical that both of my senior year roommates got engaged the same weekend. There's definitely a self-deprecating joke/comment in there but I'm not going to make it.

Anyway, then Randy called & forced us to go to Hatter. Alice drove us. Randy told me I looked like a substitute teacher then tried to set me up with his fraternity brother. Geez, I guess I'm too hot for my own good or something.

After Hatter, they wanted to go to Noah's again so we did (UGH) but Risa was having an alumni party so Topher & this kid Matt who's the star of the musical came to pick me up. I wasn't wasted but I wasn't sober at all. I got to Risa's & started screaming "MCCTAAAA!!!" as soon as I walked in the door, which I thought was rather annoying/fitting for me to do. I said all my hellos & then went back with Crissy & Heather to their house & proceeded to drink some Octoberfest & eat Crissy's entire kitchen since I was in hungry drunk mode. I wanted to meet up with Pookie & Gar at Darby's & got Heather, Crissy, Angrisani, Joey, Annie, Megan & Courtney to come with. Yeah, there were 8 of us fitting into a 5 person cab. It was rather hysterical. Actually I think Eddie came too? I can't remember, but there may have been 9 of us.

After Darby's, Gar & I talked to Steph Speranza who said that we could stay in her room at the Mariott, which was FABULOUS. So we did that, chilled for a while with her, watched "Pulp Fiction" at like 4am and went to bed.

Next day was filled with wandering around campus, the Palace, more visits & hellos, etc. I went to dinner with Eddie & the divas-minus-Meagan at Double-O Grille, where Steph works. Five stars. Allison, Julia, Eddie, Amanda Giordano & I had rented a hotel room for Sat night so we went back there, pregamed & went out. I think the night was as follows: Foxhole for a bit then Amanda & I met up with Steph after she got off work while the others walked to Mahoneys; we waited in line there but got bored with it fast (the others were inside). Steph saw Sarah Gordon, who was going back to Noah's, so we hitched a ride with her & hung out at Noah's for a little while. Sarah's cool; she & Steph are hysterical together. Rachel & Will met us there & Steph, Amanda & I walked back to their house and chilled for a bit before going to Darby's. It was a laaaaate night and Julia, Eddie, Amanda & I rode back in the sketchiest cab EVER (Eddie was stepping in vomit, it was LOVELY) and we all tried to crash.

Palace the next morning (ah, how I missed thee). Everyone split after, but I walked around Vanderbilt for a while before coming home, totally spent.

Ok, this post is ridiculously long and probably only interesting to me so I'm going to stop for now. I'm going out to have an adventure with Golio. More later.

<3>

Don't Burn the Day

True story:



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