Adios 2008

What's to say about the end of 2008? It was a year that started out sorta crappy (He Who Shall Not Be Named & [edited so that no one comes after me legally, physically or otherwise] then turned liberating (Dobby Colleen is freeeeee!) then was fun (roadtrips to North Carolina) then depressing (not having a job for more than 2 weeks made me bored out of my mind) then fun (yay finding a job again) then depressing (moving out of Astoria & back to Long Island meh) then super fun (the cruise & the rest of my AWESOME summer, including but not limited to the James Taylor concert, 4th of July, the wedding on July 5th, my parents' surprise 25th anniversary party, working from home as gas prices were out of control, Comic Con, randomly flying to Raleigh just to see "The Dark Knight" in IMAX, etc.) then stabled out (starting a new job in August & settling into the day-to-day life with trips to Raleigh every 2-3 weeks).

It certainly was just as action packed and roller-coaster a year as 2006 & 2007 were. Geez, I can't remember a stable year since before I graduated college. But I've had some amazing things happen the past two years, so I can't complain (much).

So what does 2009 hold for me? Endings and new beginnings. Things that I've been doing for years just aren't fun for me anymore and it's (heartbreakingly) time to move on. Stuff I thought I wanted to do (career-wise, as one example), I don't know if it's for me anymore. Everything new that I've got planned (more details to come!) is exciting and friggin' terrifying at the same time.

Since we're leaving for our annual New Years' Eve family dinner in approximately 4 minutes and I have yet to brush my teeth, here's my summary for what I have learned from 2008:

There will always be tough times & things to worry or freak out about - and with my personality, I'll probably magnify each time about 29,000 times worse than need be - but there will always be those great times that are staples. Like big family parties and upcoming weddings (I'm going to be a bridesmaid in Sara & TJ's wedding on September 5!!!) and Comic Con and beach trips and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. And the fact that I finally got Jay to start reading "Harry Potter" last night. And those are nice things to always have, no matter how shitty things may seem. Life is livable.

my love, you know that you're my best friend

As Labor Day approaches, I find myself in a similar position that I was in 2 years ago - one that I despise with a passion I cannot describe. I miss Astoria and last summer a lot. A LOT. This moving home thing is way harder than I thought it'd be. However, this time around, it's so much nicer to have someone to make it all worth it...

Tomorrow Ain't Bad As It Seems

The contents of my apartment are now in my parents' living room/on my bedroom floor. Moving is exhausting and emotional. I really did love my apartment in Astoria & it makes me sad to have had to leave it. And I already miss living with Amanda. I watched crappy TV last night (Living Lohan, shut the hell up.) without her and it's just not the same! But the truth is, if I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to save up money for what I want to ultimately do. And that's something that makes everything that's completely shitty shitty shitty right now completely worth it in the end. I walked around my apartment right before I left, after everyone else had already gone & took some pictures of it (okay, my lazy former landlord was letting the new girls move in a day early w/o coming to inspect our place, so I wanted proof we left it in good condition because damn it, I want my $850 security deposit back!), including my view from the roof. That freaking roof was my salvation last summer; it's so peaceful out there, day OR night. It's what I'm going to miss the most. But enough depressing stuff. Let's get on to the boring stuff. Here's some pictures from move out day:

By the way, I'm going on the cruise for my parents' 25th anniversary on Thursday. That'll be fun :)

We loaded my crap up in 1 minivan, 2 Rav 4's, & a Highlander.

It actually looks smaller with nothing in it...

Empty bedroom

One last look at the infamous, wonderful roof...

Haha, I saw this cat randomly walking on the tin part of the little roof & thought, "HA! A CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF!!" Insert dork comments here.

Peace out, 23-39.

Even Strider won't go in the living room...

And in my heart you will remain forever young

After 9 years, it really shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't...

Happy Anniversary.

Sane is a relative term.

Okay, so made my return to Marist April 21 for Festival, the student written/acted/directed one act plays. Damn, I freaking miss MCCTA, which is somewhat disgusting. I have my soul back, this should NOT be happening. Haha, Phil has a tendency to reuse his favorite line from his play the year before in whatever play he's written for Festival current year. For Speed Demons (the show I was in Sr. year), it was my infamous Marisa-Tomei-influenced-Jewish-LI-accented-"32 hours!" monologue from Gods, In General (his show from Jr. year). <3 I love that Phil writes parts just for me & Steph, hehe. So spoiled. Anyway, this year, he gave Steph the same line from Speed Demons, which I love: "Sane is a relative term. We're all completely nuts. Some of us are just more forward about it."

Last year, hell/tech week for Festival just kicked off the greatest month ever. After rehearsal, we'd all go to Eddie's house & chill out, drink, etc. til the wee hours. And let's not even begin with the crazy ass, never-ending game of Catch Phrase...(Natalie's the default winner, haha). Then everything continued to be awesome for the next month, til graduation. I remember constantly quoting one of my favorite movies of all time, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, in my away message - the "This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon" part. ("I know." "What do we do?" "Enjoy it.") And we all know how rough last summer was for me, trying to grasp that it really was all gone. Admittedly, I was not in a very good place for months after graduation. But I've talked that to death in previous posts, I'm so over talking about it right now.

My point is that going back & walking around campus, it was almost like I never left, which was weird. I keep in touch with all my friends who are seniors - and I remember talking to everyone who graduated a year ahead of me at this time last year. Everyone goes through the same thing. They're all excited, but panicking about graduation & the real world. It's freaking scary. You start to really reminisce about the last 4 years. How intimidating it was to be a freshman & how graduation seemed to be so far away. Then, bam! Suddenly, YOU'RE the senior. You're the one that the freshman look up to, are scared to talk to (as Joey put it: underclassmen had this concept that he was 'all that' & were amazed if he said hello to them at a party or something & he didn't get why, until he remembered that he was the exact same way; we all were). Plus, you grow up a lot in those 4 years. Being away from home does wonders because you start to come into your own as a person. I certainly did. Definitely did. It's strange to watch them all experience the same emotions that I saw the seniors have when I was a junior & felt myself. Now seeing it from all 3 sides, I have a clearer perception that everything is okay in the end. Just as Phil points out about sanity, it really is all relative.

Anyway, it was also Phil's 22nd birthday, soooo at least I got to see everyone. I was up there for most of the day, met John for a little while, hung with Joey for a couple hours (drove him on a beer run, for old times sake), got to go to the Palace with Phil & Beth for dinner - hooray for sweet potato pancakes! :) Chilled with Crissy, Steph & Steph. "Slept" on Steph (Speranza's) couch. Here's pictures for anyone who actually cares. Note how exhausted I look in all of them, because I haven't slept in ages it seems. Yay, insomnia.

Phil & his muses; Speranza & I stay sane inside insanity :)

The lovely Miss Garrison
Memory of the Day: Matt dressing up as a mental patient & wandering into people's houses until someone called security on him. Typical.

The beautiful Amy Kate, who took over for me in my MCCTA board position :)

The Spirit of The Vagina Monologues

"Vagina is a dirty word culturally. Penis you can say as many times as you want but vagina's a bad word."

-Grey's Anatomy writer Krista Vernoff on the podcast 1/19/07

So, it's Valentine's Day & I'm feeling down. Why? Not because I don't have a valentine (I could care less, honestly) but because it's more of all those not-at-Marist emo feelings that keep plaguing me. Today marks the first Feb. 14 in 5 years that I haven't been gotten to talk about vaginas.

When I first auditioned for The Vagina Monologues back in Feb. '03 (freshman year), I did it because I had taken a long-needed break from doing theatre & was looking to get back on stage. When I got in, I accepted the part & did the show mainly because it pissed my mother off royally. And when I say she was angry that I would dare do something against the conservative Catholic mold she & my father had so carefully brought me & my sisters up in, I mean she was a-n-g-r-y. She came to see the show but was so mortified and embarrassed over the subject matter that she completely & totally missed the REAL point of The Vagina Monologues.

The point isn't to bash men. It isn't some giant lesbian-fest, nor is it a bunch of obnoxious hairy-arm-pitted chicks burning their bras, screaming "I am woman!" Just look at me. I'm definitely not any of those things at all. No, the message of The Vagina Monologues is both loud AND subtle. To quote one of the monologues, it's about "loving [your] woman self." Brief history/synopsis: Eve Ensler conducted hundreds of interviews with women of all ages, races, nationalities, occupations, social status, etc. about their experiences & thoughts on all sorts of subjects that women deal with like sex, childbirth, dating, marriage, menstruation, masturbation, grooming down there, the generation gap, fears, peeves, domestic abuse, being a casualty of war, favorite nicknames for their lady part, etc. And as the prologue tells us, "Women secretly loved talking about their vaginas, mainly because no one's ever asked them before." She then took the interviews and made them into a series of monologues addressing subject. Some are very funny, some are very shocking, some are extremely poignant and some are very depressing. All are very powerful.

The word 'vagina' is an interesting word. As Ms. Vernoff said, it's considered to culturally be a dirty word. Perhaps it's because it's not considered ladylike for women to discuss such things and men just get embarrassed to even acknowledge that the female sex organ even has a name (vagina=sensitivity=intimacy=freaks people out). Yet we have no problem calling people cowardly/weak people "pussies" or bitchy people "cunts". In show context, 'vagina' is used as a metaphor in many cases because it's a taboo word that gets people's attention. After all, the vagina is the ultimate sign of femininity, so why shouldn't it be used?

I participated in the show in 2003 & 2004 as a cast member. In 2004, when I was elected to the e-board for Marist College Council on Theatre Arts (MCCTA) as the Managing Director of Experimental Theatre (ETG), I inherited the task of being the liasion between MCCTA & the V-day organization. In 2005, I directed it and in 2006, I was lucky enough to do one of my favorite monologues as my swan song ("The Flood").

Back to what the spirit of Vag really is. The true spirit of The Vagina Monologues is camaraderie. It's for insecure women to know that they're not alone and for secure women to know that it's okay to feel secure & okay to have moments of insecurity. It's for all to know that they can make a difference, feel good about themselves, fight oppression, rise to challenges, speak out against things that bother them. They can define themselves in whatever way they choose. It's about girl power, but it is NOT about girl power at the expense of a man. The show doesn't bash men. Some of the subject matter may be uncomfortable for men to sit through, but it's nothing scary at all. Men: no one's going to lynch you for having a penis if you're in or around the vicinity of a performance.

To say that The Vagina Monologues changed my life is cheesy. The Vagina Monologues hasn't changed me in that life-altering, total wake-up call way. It's changed my sense of awareness and made me want other chicks to be aware. Aware, not obnoxiously bold about being a woman, running around screaming "CUUUNT!" every chance they get. My mom was wrong to be so worried; I haven't turned into a crazy liberal; I still have the same values she raised me with and many of the same views.

If my vagina could talk, what would it say? "Good luck to all my little Vag-es at Marist. Make me proud." Purple feathers, twigs and shells forever. Happy V-day.

Raise to the future, drink to the past

Ah, New Year's Eve. My favorite holiday after Halloween. After the traditional NYE dinner with my entire family in Syosset, I picked up Golio from the Hicksville train station (after waking him up at like 8pm & ordering him to get on the next train without choice). We dropped my car off at home. Christie drove us Danny Rittereiser's (Ritz) new abode on Bradley Dr. As much as I wanted to go into the city with Julia & Allison or party with Claudio, Frankie & Jenna Collins in Brooklyn, it was really nice to actually have something around the block for once.

Cassidy Jill & Ian-face were already there. It was a lot of Longwood kids that we never actually hung out with while in hs, so it was slightly awkward. Brian & Jen got there about an hour later. With our group complete (minus Claudio & Frankie), we had a good time. I got home around 4:30am & was up around 7:30am, completely awake. Golio, Katelyn & her friend were downstairs on the couches so I just ended up watching 24 on DVD, reading & taking a shower. I dropped Golio back off in Hicksville & then went to a diner in Syosset for our other annual tradition, which was brunch/resolutions. Later, Uncle Lou, Kate & I went to see Night at the Museum. I enjoyed it.

On a more introspective note, 2006 was a really strange, confusing, emotional year of change. I started it feeling very alone in general (fighting with Julia & Brian, bitter about feeling underappreciated in MCCTA, etc.), then had the whole 3 month acid reflux issues (medically, bc of a hernia, but I still think it was from the extremely, extremely stressful 1st semester I had last year, capped off by Uncle Emilio's sudden death & the toll that took on my entire family), then feeling frustrated over capping & fighting, then being brought out of it all bc of Children's Theatre (what I'll miss the most), Festival (which wouldn't have been nearly as much fun if it wasn't for all the nights of "bonding" at Eddie's, Catchphrase, vodka in the green room, all the ridiculousness our cast did onstage as far as improv, causing ourselves & each other to break character, the cast parties & that awesome fucking Sheila dress) & of course, Banquet. Such an emotional time. Then the indescribable feeling of graduation, the confusing, insecure summer which lead to me not acting like myself til Sept when my feelings were hurt further through a very passive aggressive message (though I admit I brought a lot of it on from my own immature behavior, which resulted from the confusion & insecurity I allowed myself to give into; it's a cycle, really). Anger caused me to snap out of it, but I was mad at the universe bc I was once again feeling alone, sad, self-destructive & insecure when months earlier I was feeling like it was all coming together. I hate hate hate who I am when I'm like that, because I'm not like that. The last 3 months of 2006 were spent being miserable over still living on LI, not having a real job & slaving away at Ann-fucking-Taylor with the virginal Jesus freaks who talk shit about everyone but smile to their faces. But that was 2006. 2007 is going to be so much better. It has to be. I'm right. The end.

When Tricia & I went to visit CJ for her 21st & then to Baltimore to visit her dad, it was right after the Children's Theatre's Liquid Lunch, which was absolutely the defining moment for me in terms of "it's going to be gone soon." Brian Sabella & I at one point, after successfully planning it 2 years in a row, looked at each other & said, "This is the last time we're doing this. It's not supposed to be the last time. How did this happen?" That's when I started crying in the middle of Toucan's, bc I just knew that everything I built for myself was going to be gone, just like that. So in Baltimore, I was in a melancholy place. I remember laying awake & thinking, "Is life going to get better?" And then came Festival, Banquet, Riverfest, our awesome magazine for capping, Yuck & Senior Week and...it did. And I'm so glad that it did, bc if I ended my time at Marist feeling that for once, I had nothing to complain about, I could hold onto everything that makes a person content with life & take great memories with me, even if none of it would be there afterwards. At least I left with a smile. And though I can be a depressive bitch, I'm generally a positive person bc I know that for every friend you fight with, every bad grade you get, every person that fucks you over, every melodrama, every stressful all-nighter trying to balance everything, every argument over buying toilet paper, there's going to be a moment where it all comes together, that makes you forget about everything that bothers you. And those are the moments that make it all worth it.

That said, here's pictures from NYE at Ritz's house, Casa de Bradley:

At the start of the night. Thursday's haircut was not a moment too soon.
Silly, Ian, you can't stop it so just don't try to fight it...
...Nope, he may be 1 hr & 52 minutes-ish older than me, but I still showed him, ha.
Some of the gang: CJ, Golio, Ian-face, Jen, Brian.

Thankful for what each of them taught me this past year.
In the words of Ms. Roxie Hart: "These are my boys." Ah, Golio. Oh, look. It's the Chris Golio fashion shoot. Awesome.
I love Ian-face, birthday buddy & prom date extraordinaire.
Poor Jen & Brian just wanted to play beer pong, after waiting through the world's longest game to get on the table (even Brian Sabella would have wanted to kill himself waiting for this game to end)...

...but CJ only really wanted to play with the dog. Typical. Doesn't she have like, 12 dogs at home that she doesn't pay attention to? jk

Goodbye, 2006. Hello, 2007.

Another Auld Lang Syne

I'm freaking wiped from last night's festivities so rather than be all reflective or talk about the fun of the past week, I'm just going to do my very own Top 10 list of my favorite posts from 2006. Granted, this probably means nothing to anyone but me, but I really don't care. So here's my picks for the "Best of" of my silly little blog; the posts that I like the most for various reasons:

1. Don't Burn the Day - Oct. 3
2. There's Always the Next - Oct. 21
3. Road Trip, Day 6 - Part 2: Trish, Coll & Jack Do Nashville - Nov. 24
4. Over-analytical Depressive Fuckers Make Good Music - Dec. 13/Damien Rice: Part Duex - Dec. 15
5. Between my fist & my Pollyanna flower - Dec. 23
6. Even Old Women Talk About Sex - Oct. 18
7. Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute - Dec. 28
8. Caught a train to Poughkeepsie & time stood still - Oct. 7
9. Road Trip, Day 5 - Part 1: The Road to Nashville - Nov. 21
10. You Know How I Know Phil's Gay? - Oct. 15

Oh-so-close:

• Take Me Back - Aug. 28
• maybe a bright sandy beach is gonna bring you back - Aug. 22
• Road Trip, Day 8: In a MD/NJ/NY State of Mind - Dec. 1
• M. Night to Direct Harry P?! - Aug. 17

Happy New Year, anyone reading this! Shanti. I'm going to read a little more & hopefully go to bed by 10pm. Back to work tomorrow...

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute

I've been working on this stupid post for the last week & a half. I did this same thing last year on my MySpace blog (back when I still paid attention to MySpace more than twice a month). You take 15 (or in this case, 20) people & write down something that you'd like to say to them, except it's completely anonymous. NO names. It's supposed to be an exercise in getting things off your chest (not like I haven't done enough of that since I started this blog lol). Anyway, I just reread the first one I did & a lot has changed since last year. It's funny how life is. I'm not saying who's who. You can try to guess (that'd be fun for me), but I'm not saying anything. Some are going to be very, very easy to figure out, others not so much. I love ambiguity.

1. The message you left me in Nov. was one of the most touching things that anyone has ever said to me, which is somewhat ironic considering most people would never guess that you're the type to say such sweet things.

2. It's been explained to me many, many times by many, many mutual friends, but I still don't understand why you resented me so much in the first place. My offenses have been either unintentional or reactionary to how you treat me. I wish things could be different, whether you believe that or not.

3. I'm still ever so grateful that you never got involved in any of the drama a few years back; I was so scared that you'd write me off as crazy & take sides because I had done my fair share of damage for years. I'll always consider you an older sister, a role model & a great person to have an adventure with.

4. I've never really thanked you for your startingly quick perception & subsequent speedy reaction at my graduation party. Thank you. Your genuine reaction(s) meant so much more than I can express without getting more mushy - and we both hate mushy, so I'm gonna stop.

5. To the other extremely observant, fast stair-climbing friend: I can't think of a better person to start my "real world" life with, if we can ever actually get it started. And by "we" I mean "I".

6. I miss you. I know everything's different & you can't be friends with me like you used to be, but I miss you & that's why I'm so hard on you. It's selfish, I know.

7. I'm proud of you. Your strength & determination hasn't gone unnoticed. Thank you for getting me out of a very bad situation. I know you warned me repeatedly not to get into it in the first place, but not saying "I told you, it's your own fault" (maybe bc you knew I knew it immediately) is a credit to your character.

8. Ever since I started to realize & accept it, I just can't stop saying it, secretly hoping you'll read it & understand (though the chances of you seeing this are very slim): You made the right choice. You're happy, which now makes me smile. I could never have done that, but I really did want to.

9. You changed my attitude the most by letting me just be a miserable son-of-a-bitch all summer & then socratically tricking me into being ME again. I have no idea how you managed that, but 100 gold stars for you. Every bad place yields a positive. Ah, allusion & metaphor: How appropo.

10. I've come to understand you & respect you. I'm sorry that you're so misunderstood by people, including a pre-6 months ago me. You don't deserve it, I wish there was something more I could do to make people see that. But things never stay the same, I promise.

11. If there was anyone I ever wished I was more like, it's you: confident, smart, sexy, self-aware. I don't think our group would have survived if you weren't the voice of reason. I love you, I wish you all the happiness in the world; Unite, fo' lyfe.

12. Take a break or you'll be more burned out & bitter in May than you can even imagine. Trust me. You're being foolish by thinking you can do it all & you're too talented to ruin it by stubbornly carrying the weight of it all.

13. You're one of my closest friends, but your self-loathing rubs off on me & further spurs my own neuroses. I think you love to be miserable more than anyone else that I know. Your insecurities are so unfounded.

14. The moment that I really knew you were truly a beautiful person (in addition to amazing friend) was the moment you called to "check up" on me, because I know you were in a very difficult position & could've easily ignored the entire thing. That, my dear, was massive karma points for you.

15. It's utterly amazing to think about how a year ago, we were calling each other lunatics & crying over whether or not we could salvage our friendship. It says a lot when you get through something like that even stronger, like it never even happened. I'm so glad we did bc I love you so much. "Breathe, just breathe"

16. I've spent the past 20 years wishing I could be more like you & that's the truth of the matter.

17. (A 2-fer) A good deal of my everyday conversations & thoughts are credited to you two. I must have been one uninteresting girl before you. I miss you guys & what we had the most.

18. If you're even reading this, I will be sincerely surprised. I wasn't going to even include you because I'd love the chance to talk to (not yell at) you, but c'est la vie. At least I can say something. To start, I'm just going to take the easy way out & quote my girl Fiona Apple: "First you run like a fool just to be at my side/Now you run like a fool but you just run to hide/And I can't abide." I'm truly sorry things worked out as they did, though I can't say you didn't warn me. I'm also very sorry for how I presented myself to you towards the end, since that wasn't the real me, just the one who was going through a confusing transition & dealing with hurt feelings. I'm actually pretty awesome. Friendship is always on the table. P.S. For someone who defines himself as "being laid back & going with the flow," you certainly spend enough energy fighting a lot of what fate throws your way, huh?

19. I hope this year, you finally figure yourself out because you're one of the most loyal & ambitious friends I've ever had, asshole.

20. You're too much like me for your own good; I hate that because I'm scared you'll fall into all the same ways to be as fucked up as I am. You're so much better than you can see.

Still seeking my source for some definitive

It's hard to believe that it's Dec. 20 already. It does NOT feel like Christmas is 5 days away AT ALL. I realized this last week & figured out why:

For the last 17 years of my life, Christmas time basically was characterized with everything winding down. School projects, tests, classes ending, teachers/professors/bus drivers/etc. giving out candy canes, holiday parties, all that stuff. But now, everything's just going on the same as it's been. Seriously, not being in school & still living at home while working at damn Ann Taylor really feels like I'm on perpetual summer vacation. It's just strange. It really doesn't feel like Christmas. I miss Marist.

P.S. Since Bobby's not having his annual New Years Eve party for the first time since forever, I have no clue what I'm doing for the first time since forever. So if anyone has any ideas they want to shoot my way, let me know. I think I have to house/dog sit for my aunt in Mt. Sinai again cause she's going to visit people in Buffalo for a few days, but I'm open for suggestions. I wish I could do that open bar Julia & Allison are doing in the Village, but it's waaaaay expensive & I know I'm going to have to end up working on New Years Day. :(

(Happy 23rd Birthday. -

12.20.83-5.17-98

*Nothing ever so common*)

Rambling at 1:15am

I should definitely have gone to bed an hour ago, but I'm wide awake, so whatever. I'm in Syosset right now and it's 1:15am. I have to get up at 6am to get ready to go into the city with Uncle Lou & Aunt Anne for Grandma's surgery tomorrow morning. I think my mom feels really bad that she can't go - she's always gotten to be there in the past, but has no choice tomorrow; she has to go to work. I have always been extremely close with my grandparents - there are times when they were the people in my family whom I've been closest with - so when my grandpa had to have surgery this summer, I got up at 5am to be at the hospital with my mom, grandma & aunt at 6:30am and now I'm getting up early to go in with my aunt & uncle (my mom's older sister/brother).

I'm kinda nervous, even though it's not a big deal at all. She's having surgery on her knee & she's been in a lot of pain for the last few months. If you've ever met my grandmother, you know that she is not one to ever complain about anything. She's Italian. If something's upsetting her, she goes to church or sits on the couch & says the rosary over & over again. Everytime I whine about life or am visibly depressed, she yells at me to be optimistic because all things pass. But lately she can't even walk around the house within wincing in pain & it's very strange. The woman's always healthy, always very strongminded, always here to take care of you. So I'm just having a difficult time accepting that my grandparents are getting older. I'm so lucky that before now my family's never had to deal with something like this, at least from Grandma (my grandfather's had prostate & skin cancer removed). And it's not even a big medical problem.

I just keep remembering what happened last October, when my great aunt Lilly had a similar knee surgery done & my great uncle Emilio (my grandma's brother) passed away completely unexpectedly when he went home for a little while. Imagine your husband of 53-years telling you he'd be back when you woke up & then just never coming back. He fell asleep in a chair watching TV around noon & had a heart attack in his sleep. My 16-year-old cousin saw him in the chair & got nervous when he wouldn't come to the door (he lives next door; they all live in the same neighborhood in Syosset as my grandparents & uncle), called his father who called my uncle. My uncle ran out of the house, my grandma saw him & got in her car to follow him & then my grandparents watched as my uncle broke in a window to try to resusitate their brother, who had been over for dinner the night before. It was probably the worst thing my family's gone through in a very long time. I've never seen my grandparents or my uncle cry like that. They sat with the body for hours afterwards, waiting for the ME to come & pronounce him dead & the cops to come investigate (when someone dies anywhere that's not at a hospital, the cops have to come, even if it's clear what happened). It was...very bad. It happened during that 3-week monsoon. I had Rocky Horror rehearsals/production staff obligations & midterms. I missed my Marriage & Family midterm, as well as the one for whichever Carol Pauli class I was taking. Matt Andrews, ever the understanding professor, deducted me a letter grade for missing class for the funeral even though he knew that's where I was & Eddie, Steph, Randy, etc. all backed me up on it. That's why I'm not a Matt fan. I drove from Marist to Syosset to Marist to Ridge to Marist to Syosset to Marist from a Thurs-Tues time period in that pouring rain. That was not a good week, no.

Anyway, I think I feel a little better now, maybe. I had a fun weekend, I'll talk about it when it's not 1:31am & I don't have to be up in less than 5 hours. I'm going to a saloon opening in NYC tomorrow night for some dude who does Sarah Jessica Parker's hair (through Starked NY). So that'll be sorta neat, at least for the potential networking? Meh, I've rambled way too much. This post is depressing. Sorry.

There's Always the Next

2am and i'm still awake writing this song
if i get all out, it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to
and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd
'cause these words are my diary screaming outloud
and i know that you'll use them however you want to
but you can't jump the track
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button now
so cradle your head in your hands
-Anna Nalick

Warning: this is going to be a bit of a downer post, since I'm in one of those moods. And it's long. Don't bother to read it if you don't want to hear me bitching about shit that makes no difference in the scheme of things, that I brought on myself anyway. Skip to my last post, it's a funny story.

You know how certain days or events can trigger 'those' types of feelings? Where you just sorta harp on things that you can't fix, particuarly because you know that you can't fix them? Well, October 20 is one of those really stupid days for me. I'm going to be ambiguous because I'm not writing this to call anyone out, since I'm of the school of thought that it takes two people to fuck up *most* situations and I'd never be so arrogant as to assert that most of the shit that bothers me isn't at least partially my fault. I can't ever leave anything alone & have the tendency to beat a situation to death, especially if I know that I can't win - and even more especially if it's something that I really, really wish was different.

Anyway, what's bothering me is bad choices, second chances & acceptance.

Bad choices: I used to let things scare me. I cared too much about stupid shit, like the "what ifs" or what people on the outside of a situation thought of it. I just didn't want people to know what I was thinking - or rather, I didn't want people close to me to know how i was feeling. I know now, years later, that "what ifs" & the paranoia of opening yourself up are just excuses to run away from something you want but you're not sure of. I don't think that anything is ever black & white. Nothing is either "this" or "that". You just have to be brave enough to try something out because you never know if it will be the best thing of your life. As Gilda Ratner said, life is "delicious ambiguity." And if it doesn't work out, yeah that sucks, yeah it'll sting for a while, but we all float on. In hindsight, I know now that the right choice was made by someone. I wasn't a sure bet. I was angry & hurt over feeling not good enough for a long time - probably, honestly, til this summer. But time & maturity lets you rethink what happened. I can't say that if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't have done the same thing. It just happened to me but it changed me. It made me a little less afraid each subsequent time. Then again, nothing else really meant as much to me after, but it's ok. I think that the right choice was made & I'd even say it in person if it ever came up (not that it ever will, but I'd be man enough to admit it - I can actually write about it, even if it's very vaguely).

Second chances: I'd like to think that I'm a good person. I just get a little carried away sometimes. I'm passionate. But I try, I really do. And I wish that I had had a second chance with certain things, most recently something that happened this summer. (Or didn't happen, depending on how you look at it, haha - oohhh I hope I never lose ability to make small jokes like that to keep myself from going crazy in general.)

In any case, I blame karma. I've been in the reversed situation before ( see above!), so there was a moment when I just knew that there was no hope for me. I just did. And I want to say a great many things right now, but though I'll probably never get to say them, they're not for public forum. I barely talked about it to anyone - even Julia, Randy, Cassidy kept hearing, "I don't want to talk about it, it's not you, I just don't want to."

Even now I'm kinda considering taking this paragraph out because I'm terrified that anyone reading it will know what I'm talking about & roll their eyes at me for sounding lame. I'm just very sorry that I took my own disappointment & unhappiness out on my friends who have always been around for me, like Brian, Ian, Bobby, etc. Thank God for Claudio & Frankie, even in their somewhat buzzed state, for seeing I wasn't all rainbows & butterflies at Joe's party & not letting me leave until they were certain I was fine, even though they just sat in my car with me in silence cause I didn't want to talk about what was wrong. They cared when I needed it. And though I was pissed at CJ (Cassidy) for taking my phone at my grad party & making a phone call that I did not know about until afterwards, she & Claudio were amazing at taking care of me one night in July. Seeing that I needed to just be upset for a night to get a shitty day out of my system, they really were good friends that night. Especially because I again "didn't want to talk about it." CJ, Brian & Ian whisking my hungover ass away to Splish Splash the next morning at the ass-crack of dawn was just what I needed too: to be reminded that I have friends who care, even when I don't think that I deserve it or am selfishly wallowing in my own disgusting self-pity. They'll always give me second chances & for that, I'm truly grateful. Golio was a godsend too. He was the one who really gave it to me straight without even asking me any questions for details or info. I wouldn't have gotten myself back on track as quickly without Chris Golio's tough love, ha. Matero, too. He got me out of a bad situation towards the end of the summer, even if it wasn't quick enough. He tried though; I just was too stupid to listen to him to get out of there sooner. I was drunk & had to see where the train was going to crash. I wish I had listened to him. I wish to God I had. I knew I wasn't getting any second chances before that night, but after that, I think that the first chance was pretty much tainted forever.

The moral of the story is that I need to stay off the Facebook for at least 2 weeks. I hate randomly checking people's profiles & discovering shit that I don't know about & never would've known. Cause now it'll bother me, which is completely & utterly retarded. I'll know it's lame & then get pissed at myself for being lame & pathetic. It's a terrible cycle. But certain things have hurt my feelings & it's all the Facebook's fault. The end.

Acceptance: During one of the Mets games at Matero's house this week, his cousin told him & Ian that "she's a chick, but she's more of a man than both of you," because I held my own in the pizza/donut overindulgence (UGH I'm TOTALLY paying for it now though) & had no problem screaming obscenities at the screen, arguing about baseball strategies & letting them fart in front of me. Despite my apparent "one of the guys" qualities, I'm still a girl. And I don't like to accept that something is over, especially when it's not on good terms. Hence why I was angry for almost 4 years over ^, still wish that I was at Marist like woah & had to make sure that I must've totally looked like a fucking crazy person this summer. I just don't. I don't generally hold grudges. I hate knowing that there are things that I can't fix, won't get closure for, can't change, can't at least talk about to find some sort of peace. One October 20 I finally gave in to something I always wanted & now I'm reminded that because I waited so long...it was too late. And that was the hardest thing I've ever had to accept, hands down. But I did & I survived to finally talk (write) about it.

One last confession while I'm at it: Honestly, I've been putting up all those Facebook pictures & blogging about good times a lot more lately as more of a way to convince myself that everything is okay in the end, I can have a good time even if I'm not totally feeling it & you just have to keep chugging thru. Obla-di, obla-da. Life goes on. Sometimes I wish that I was included in other people's fun times or that they were included in mine, but I'm grateful for what I've got going on & the friends I've got.

I doubt anyone's still reading this, but if you made it down this far, I came across this postcard from PostSecret. PostSecret is this amazing website where people write down their secrets on a postcard & mail it in anonymously. It's absolutely incredible - I'd totally love to start my own version of it. Imagine getting whatever's bothering you off your chest but no one has to ever know it's you. Check out the site. Anyway, I found this postcard & it especially applies to something that I think is at the core of what's really making me so emo, though I'm not sure why it matters so much. It just does, probably because I know I made some bad decisions, I'm not getting any second chances, and I'm just going to have to accept it:

I'm so silly. Silly, silly Colleen! At least I know that anyone referenced but not identified by name in this probably isn't reading it. And if they are, then they can holler at me if they have a problem, question or comment. Really. I'm quite harmless. Peace.


"You know what? You're the first person I ever told about this...and I feel a little bit better."

Soooo who's havin' a Halloween party?

I just finished day 6 out of an 8 day work stretch. I know there are a lot worse jobs out there, but I'm just so sick & tired of being there and not having a real job that I'm just, "Aaaaahhhh!!" I'm going up to Marist again this weekend to see And Then There Were None, MCCTA's first show this season. But I'm only going for the night, since I'm gonna have to work again all week & I REALLY want to sit at home, even if it's for half a day.

Here's the part where I get a little tiny bit annoyingly reflective: I realized what's so unnerving about being home. There's a whole other life/world that's still going on at Marist & I'm not a part of it anymore. It seems like the world's at that summertime standstill, when you take a time out from everything & then life resumes again in Sept, right where you left off. Because I don't have a real job yet (trust me, I've been looking), all I'm doing is working like crazy at Ann Taylor, but it doesn't seem like the world is moving. Yet it's going so quickly for seemingly everyone else, especially those at Marist. It's weird to go back or to just know that there's still classes, board meetings, rehearsals, papers, production meetings, etc. all happening & I'M NOT A PART OF IT. It's just...unnerving because I'm used to being involved & a part of everything. It's a step backwards, really; I'm stuck in Ridge & feel trapped, especially cause my friends from home are busy working (Ian) or living in NYC (Golio, Claudio, Frankie, Bobby) or Hartford (Brian). I still talk to them & Golio's out most weekends; I see Amanda, Matero & Julia a lot too, so it's not so terrible, but I miss everyone & the community I built there a lot. I still talk to Randy, Sarah, Phil, Amanda G, Eddie & Anthony a lot & keep in touch with Angrisani (who's so awesome he got us, Eddie Storey & Sabella season tickets to the Yankees next year!), Rachel, Annie, Steph, Crissy, Risa, Sabella, Josh-i mean-G-Force, etc. so I'm lucky. I miss everyone else though that I haven't talked to or seen in a while.

Onto the most important thing. Someone throw a Halloween party! I got invited to some party in Mt. Sinai or Miller Place or somewhere in that vicinity by some people from work, but let's face it - Eddie & I need to try to one-up last year's costume. I realize that NOTHING will EVER be as amazing as our turn as Britney & K-Fed but I love Halloween. I'd have one if I weren't on LI, since no one would actually be able to come, haha. So now I'm basically commanding someone to throw a Halloween party! K, thanks! :)

Last Wed, there was a staged reading of Softly Sara Falls, the play that I produced for ETG junior year. It's an original, unpublished script & MCCTA's production of it was its world-premiere. It's an awesome, amazing play. Heather Liebal (who played Sara & totally deserved to win the Best Actress award at Banquet) found out about it & organized for all of us involved to go. Everyone came but Randy (busy being a Jersey redneck), Jeff (real job in RI), Natalie & Joey (night classes). It was SO cool. Here's a picture of some of us waiting for it to start: